True Love, a Many Splendored Ming

I was a young kid the first time I saw him. Tall, thin, shaved head, mustache and goatee, and a mean streak as long as your arm (or, I guess, his arm).

            The guy wanted to conquer the universe – not just the town a few miles down the road, or the city across the bay (where a lot of people used to sit, right there on the dock), or the planet to the left -  no, this guy, who lived on the planet Mongo (if you call that living), had his sights set on the whole universe, which, of course, would include the planet Earth, which therefore would include the United States, which, in turn, would include Idaho.  The dude was mean. It’s no wonder they called him merciless. Ming the Merciless. Emperor Ming the Merciless.*

            For those under the age of sixty – and I’ll bet there are hundreds, if not thousands of you – who are wondering who this Ming guy was, allow me to fill you in.

            In the early days of television - the late 1940s, early 1950s - programming was needed, especially by smaller independent stations,  to fill the broadcast day and night. One of the ways TV filled its schedule was to run old movies; “old” meaning movies of the 1930s and 1940s. Some of those old movies were called “serials.” Think of serials as “Chapters” in a book, in which each chapter ends in suspense, the hero/heroine on the brink of disaster – here comes a train, a dinosaur, an in-law, a guy with a gun, a meteor, a bad egg salad sandwich. One of the most popular of all serials was “Flash Gordon.” (Steven Klevben, on the fourth floor, was the only kid who I ever heard refer to Flash as Mr. Gordon.)

            The very existence of the planet Earth was being threatened. This had nothing to do with global warming or divisive politics. This threat to the well-being of Earth,  not to mention Friday night football and candied yams, was coming from another planet; it was up to Flash Gordon to save the day and planet, whichever came first....and hence, the film’s gripping storyline.

  Flash Gordon – played by the handsome, athletic (two time gold medal Olympic swimmer) Larry “Buster” Crabbe – would need help, as well as at least a couple of very long extension cords, to pursue his difficult task. He turned to Doctor Alexis Zarkov (actor Frank Shannon), a brilliant scientist with a beard and penchant for strawberry milkshakes. And, of course, nobody heads into outer space – especially to the planet Mongo – without a beautiful woman by his side. Dale Arden (the actress Jean Rogers) was the woman. She asked her father’s permission to go with Flash. “Don’t forget,” said Pop Arden, “you have a twelve o’clock

curfew.”

*There have been other famous – and infamous – people with the middle name of “the.” A short list includes: Alexander the Great; Catherine the Great (no relation to Alexander); Ivan the Terrible; Eric the Red; Henry (the) VIII; Hootie and the Blowfish; Flora the Red Menace; Millard the Fillmore; Bozo the Clown; and countless others. (Feel free to add to the list, or to make your own list, or to have another slice of pie.)

Flash and Dale and the good Doctor met with many challenges (remember, they didn’t have the option of calling a friend). This Ming dude was, to put it simply, not a nice fella (anger management class might have helped, or possibly some herbal tea, but....).  He had a really sexy daughter, Princess Aura (actress Priscilla Lawson) who drove him nuts. “I’m trying to conquer the universe and you won’t cover yourself up when you leave the house,” he often said to her. She would wind up having an affair with one of her father’s enemies, the good-hearted Prince Barin (actor Richard Alexander) – another one of those guys who ran around in a helmet and what looked like an off-the-rack diaper (we’ll never know the color since the movie was in black and white). In the last “chapter,” Flash, with the help of the curvaceous and cute as a button Dale, Doctor Zarkov (whose buttons, to be honest, weren’t that cute), Pricess Aura, Prince Barin, and the cast of CSI: Los Angeles, were able to thwart (I love that word,  it should be used more often) the Emperor Ming and save the planet Earth (though they were unable to prevent various people from getting late night talk shows.) Ming was not captured. He “got away” and showed up in two more Flash Gordon serials. (The three Flash Gordon films were released in 1936, 1938 and 1940). Flash, Dale and Doctor Zarkov – somewhat of a prototype to “Doc” in “Back To The Future” and a lot of other “docs,” including my urologist – returned to earth and were given a parade and individually designed soft drinks.  (The three saviors would return to Mongo two more times. The second time Dale went from blond to brunette. The third time she went from Jean Rogers to  Carol Hughes.)

Throughout the years I’ve remained a big fan of “Flash Gordon.” Yes, the “special effects” were, to be kind, just a little tacky. Most rocket ships don’t have a tag hanging off the side that reads, “Return to Property Room by 11.” But, I loved the music (classical music was used), and the cast and the “adventure.”  Remember, when I watched the serials I was a kid, and had never been to Mongo, though I once got on the wrong train and wound up in Brooklyn.

So it was quite a thrill to meet someone whose aunt had appeared in the first Flash Gordon film. I asked the woman if it was possible for me to meet her aunt. She called the next day and told me her aunt would be thrilled to meet a true “Flash Gordon” fan.

The woman opened the door and gestured for me to “come in.”

“Please, have a seat while I get us some refreshments,” she said as she walked into her kitchen.

I looked around. The house could have been a museum. There were at least a hundred framed photographs on the walls, most of them dating back to the early days of “talking” pictures and some even to “silent” pictures.

The woman moved slowly as she put down a tray of coffee and cookies on the table.

“I’m not bad looking for a ninety-five year old, am I. Unfortunately I’m eighty-five,” and she laughed. “Actually, ninety-six next month.”

She had been an actress.

“I often played a sexy vamp. As I got older I was able to hold on to the vamp but somewhere I lost the sexy.”

“I think you still look great,” I said

“Thank you. But don’t get too worked up. I have a boyfriend. He’ll be dropping by as soon as he finds his teeth.”

I took a sip of coffee and then jumped to it. “Please tell me about ‘Flash Gordon.’ ”

She leaned back in her chair. She smiled.

“That was some guy,” she said, a warm glow covering her face. “I saw him once in the dressing room. That was some Flash, and his Gordon wasn’t so bad either.”

I laughed, though I didn’t know if she was serious or if she was....

“What’s the matter, you think we didn’t have fun back then. I could give you names - and numbers. Clark Gable  – had a dimple, I won’t tell you where -  it was so adorable, you could...”

“I’ll bet you’ve known and worked with many of the greats....”

“....and the near greats and some that weren’t even near the near ones and some that never should have left the house, you want a macaroon?”

“No thanks, these cookies are enough.”

“I didn’t bake them myself, if that’s what you’re thinking, but I could make you a nice piece of fish. You like salmon?”

“I appreciate your hospitality, but I would rather just talk about the Flash Gordon movie that you were in,” I said politely.

She smiled. “Those were good times. I was young then. All the other young people were young too. And we had nice weather, especially on the weekends.”

“Was it exciting to work on the movie? Were the people nice to work with?”

“It was wonderful and everybody was terrific. Everybody! Buster, that’s Buster Crabbe who played Flash, he’d invite us to his house. He was an Olympic swimming champion, you know, and we’d go swimming and then have a dinner salad. Those were good times,” she said, basking in the memories.

“Could you tell me the name and something about the character you played,” I asked.

“Now we’re getting somewhere,” she said, pushing on the arms of her chair, so that she was sitting as straight up as possible. “They put me in an outfit that was – that was some outfit – cleavage and sandals. The cleavage was mine, the sandals they gave me. I have chocolate macaroons. You want a chocolate...”

“No, thank you.”

“ It was going to be a movie to maybe make me a star, or, at the very least, lead to a lot of big parts. I wasn’t supposed to be just a girl in the background yelling, ‘Watch out, look out,’ and whatever other ‘out’ they wanted. I was supposed to....”

She stopped talking and leaned back. At that moment her age started to show.

“I just find it fascinating to meet you. If talking about the movie is in any way painful....”

“It’s okay,” she said, sitting straight up again. “You want to know who I was supposed to play....I’ll tell you” She took a deep breath.” Charles Middleton. Sometimes known as Charles B. Middleton...”

“The man who played Ming,” I said excitedly.

“You got it, tootsie. A great character actor. He was in almost two hundred movies. People don’t know he started out on the stage as a song and dance man. He had a beautiful voice. A rich baritone. That’s why they cast him as Ming. That voice could be scary. And he had that hatched, tight face that looked like a couple of rocks had been in a fight and both of them lost. And you know who I was all set to play? That’s right, you better believe it – the Empress, Mrs. Ming the Merciless.”

I was stunned. “You look stunned,” she said. “I am. I’m stunned.” “You look it.”

“There’s never a mention of Ming’s wife in...”

“They cut out the part. I wound up, how do they say it, on the cutting room floor.”

“I’m sorry.”

“So was Ming. You’re trying to conquer a universe, you want a wife.  You come home at the end of the day, you’re tired, it’s not easy being a tyrant,  you want to hear “How was your day?,” you want a nice meal, maybe a piece of salmon. You sure you don’t want any? I’ve got a nice piece in the refrigerator.”

“I’m okay.”

“Charles B. Middleton, he wanted Ming to have a wife. They gave him a daughter – a daughter without a mother. Even on Mongo a daughter should have a mother. You go to a mother, you say, ‘Ma, dad’s at it again with this conquering stuff.  I think he needs a hug.’ And the mother says, “Don’t worry, sweetycakes, I’ll take care of it, you go do your hair.’ ”

“If they made Ming a nice guy with a wife, plus a daughter, wouldn’t that have changed the movie?” I asked, respectfully.

“And what’s more important, the family sitting down together for a nice Sunday brunch or the father running off...”

“To conquer the universe. I guess you’re right.”

She smiled. “Charles B. Middleton did a lot of parts, but he’ll always be remembered as Ming. And I would have been remembered as the Empress, Mrs. Ming the Merciless. Mrs. Merciless!  It has such a nice ring to it. Good evening, Mrs. Merciless, we have a nice table for you by the window.  Mrs. Merciless, we’re getting in a dress tomorrow that I’m holding just for you. Mrs. Merciless, we’d like you to present the Oscar for Best Picture, and don’t forget to wear that delicious tiara.” She sighed a deep sigh. ‘What can you do, you can’t cry over spilled milk - better you should use a paper towel. You sure you don’t want a macaroon?”

“I would like one now, thank you. Maybe just a small macaroon.”

“The macaroons are big! It’s the pictures that got small.”

“Didn’t Billy Wilder have the Norma Desmond character say something very close to that in ‘Sunset Boulevard’?” I asked, trying not to be accusatory.

“And where do you think he heard it first? That’s all right, he was a nice fella anyway.”

She nodded to herself and smiled, lost again for a moment in her memories.

It was time to leave. “It was truly a pleasure and an honor to meet you. And the next time I watch ‘Flash Gordon’.....”

She simply nodded.

“You’re not on anyone’s cutting room floor,” I said.

She smiled. “In that case, Ming, come here and give me a hug.”

As I left the house she stood in the doorway. “When they make the next remake of ‘Flash Gordon’ maybe I’ll get to play the part of The Empress, Grandma Ming the Merciless. It has such a nice ring to it. Grandma Merciless.”

She’s right, even an emperor trying to conquer the universe should take a break every now and then and enjoy a macaroon. The chocolate ones are very good.